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13 January 2013 @ 01:24 am

I’ve had to apologize for being a “picky eater” all my life. If somebody invites me over for dinner and says they’re gonna make something that I can’t eat, I get ashamed, and explain:

“I’m sorry. I’m really picky. Here are the things I can eat…”

It makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

But you know what? Something isn’t right. See, a picky person has foods they WANT TO and DON'T WANT TO eat.

I have foods I CAN and CAN'T eat.

What do I mean by that?

I’ve always had a painfully sensitive gag reflex. Sometimes, I gag for no reason whatsoever. It’s painful, it’s unpleasant, and sometimes it results in something coming up.

My stomach hurts like hell when I retch. It’s basically dry-heaving. So maybe you can understand that, where I do have control, I’d prefer to prevent myself from having to gag?

If I don’t want to eat something, it’s because I CAN’T. Some foods just bother me enough that I simply can’t swallow them. That changes from year to year, and sometimes from day to day!

Sometimes, I’ll be fine eating something at first, but then I can’t finish it. Maybe my body gets sick of it; I don’t know. I get people looking at me judgmentally, like I’m being wasteful. Like somehow, my act of throwing away that sandwich is causing global hunger. No, fuck that.

Eating is, overall, an unpleasant experience for me. I wish I didn’t have to do it at all. It has become a more unpleasant experience due to my trying to please other people and force things down my throat that I shouldn’t be forcing down. In other words, pushing myself to eat things I don’t like makes me less likely to eat regularly and healthily, because I associate eating with being forced into something unpleasant.

It’s time for this to stop. It’s time for me to stop apologizing for what is essentially the physical manifestation of a mental illness.

-I sometimes eat meat, because that’s all I can get down my throat at that time.

-I sometimes eat unhealthy food, because that’s all I can get down my throat at that time.

-I sometimes waste food, because I can’t get it down my throat.

-I sometimes refuse to eat something that was generously cooked for me, because I can’t get it down my throat.

-I sometimes eat unhealthy things/meat because I know I will like it, and it will be a positive experience for me, and I need more positive eating experiences.

And nobody has the right to shame me for that.


*SERIOUS trigger warning!! Rape, sexual violence, and suicide*

*This is a post that I transferred from my regular blog because it was too upsetting and personal*

This is truly the worst abuse I have ever had directed at me on the internet. All those “You’re a stupid, ignorant cunt” emails/comments just do not compare to what this person has said and done.

It all started when somebody on Tumblr put up a post about the politics of the sex industry. The post was basically explaining how offensive it is to say that women “sell their bodies,” which seems to suggest that all that a woman is is her body. While I disagree with some of the post, I agree that sex workers should be shown the same amount of respect as any other workers. Anyway, I saw that one person responded to the post thusly:

I assumed that she was an angry feminist, since she was telling somebody else that they didn’t have the right to call themselves a feminist. So I said, to my followers, “Who the fuck is this person, and can we kick her out of the feminist community?” Her response was unlike anything I’ve ever seen:

I then saw that one of the people I follow on Tumblr had responded to the bully as well, about a different post. The post was a truly upsetting exposé of cyber-bulling and the young people and children who have committed suicide as a result. Wolfborg, the bully, responded:

I then posted on Tumblr, apologizing to my followers for engaging with the bully in the first place, as I had thought she was an angry feminist, when really she was a Social Darwinist Nazi. She of course had yet another disgusting response…but then something weirder happened. She decided to send me a personal message.

It said something along the lines of, “I like that you want to help save the world. But you need to learn to take a joke. Why so serious?

Let's remember where this quote is from: The Joker in Batman. A man who kills innocent people and laughs about it. Which I think is beautifully illustrative of her behaviour. This was when I realized that not only was this woman evil, she was psychotic. Or, more accurately, she had a very extreme version of multiple personalities. I wasn’t actually that surprised; she was clearly disturbed, and judging by her language from another (unrelated) post, she probably has experienced some violent sexual abuse:

I responded, trying to explain to her that suicide is not a joke. Her response:

I decided to report her to Tumblr, as a violation of their own Terms of Service. Tumblr clearly states:

“Under no circumstances will Subscriber use the Site or the Service to  (b) harass, threaten, stalk or abuse any person or party, including other users of the Site.”

Their response? “We realize this content may be very upsetting, but we also highly value freedom of expression and freedom of speech.”

They refused to enforce their own Terms of Service, even after several complaints were made.

This is unacceptable. Freedom of speech isn’t freedom to incite violence. It isn’t license to bully. It is freedom to express your opinions, your philosophies, your politics. But all that freedom of speech means nowadays, to anybody, especially in the good ol’ US of A is “freedom to spew hate and abuse as much as is humanly possible.” Verbal abuse and emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. So why doesn’t it hold the same penalties?

So, now I’m going to answer your questions, dear readers, before you ask me them. I am that psychic.

Why did you engage with her in the first place?

This has already been covered. I wanted other feminists to be aware of her and keep away from her.

Why did you continue to engage with her after you realized what she really was?

This post of mine should answer that for you:

I was very upset that I got no support from the post. It wasn't until I messaged some of my followers individually and asked them for their help that I got any response whatsoever. I have now recently received help from the person who posted the bullying FAQ, so I'm very thankful for that.

Why didn’t you block her?

As should be obvious by now - because I wasn’t worried about myself. I needed to take screenshots of her comments as well. I am not at risk for suicide. There are a lot of people on the internet who are. Wolfborg enjoys attention – she has admitted this – and it is obvious that it is bad attention she craves. She especially feels exhilarated by hurting people. If she can drive somebody to commit suicide, she will.

But isn’t she just a troubled person?

Yes she is troubled. No, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be disciplined. Most bullies, abusers, even violent offenders and murderers, are troubled people. They need help. But that does not make them any less dangerous.

I have just blocked her, as I have obtained all the screenshots I needed from her blog.

So what is the point of this post?

We need to start cracking down on cyber-bullying. Tumblr, and every social networking/blogging site out there needs a strict anti-bullying policy that they adhere to. This isn't even close to the worst stuff that's out there, or the worst stuff that's allowed to be out there. People actually sometimes gang up on one person on the Internet and drive them to suicide. And this is allowed to happen, because "FREEDOM OF SPEECH AMERICA FUCK YEAH BALD EAGLES N SHIT WOOOHOOOO!!!!" I'm sick of it. This needs to stop.

I have recently learned that threatening to rape somebody is illegal in New Zealand and some other countries. If you're in New Zealand, you can report to Netsafe for help from bullying or the police for illegal behaviour. Netsafe was very supportive, but unfortunately there wasn't anything they could do about it from their end. The person who was threatened with rape would have to report it to the police in their country.

Please do not ask me questions I have already answered in this post.

Note: By discipline, I mean taking her blog down, or at least issuing a warning. Tumblr has done, and intends to do, absolutely nothing.

04 December 2011 @ 02:41 pm
I honestly cannot believe that somebody on OKCupid said this in a message:

So my answer to your moral question is thus- I CANNOT improve the lot of people, unless they CHOOSE improvement. Teaching a man to fish, is better than giving him a fish certainly, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that the man will GO FISHING on his own. And I am not required to keep him stocked with fish if it threatens the livelihood of my loved ones or myself.

I choose to seek improvement, so it's easiest to improve myself. I do what I can to improve the lives of those who choose to be improved. For everyone else, they have their role in the universe and one day (maybe) when they're ready, in this existence or the next, they may someday choose, too. But as far as I am concerned, I let nature take care of the lives of those who choose not to improve themselves.

Let's see that again, shall we?

I let nature take care of the lives of those who choose not to improve themselves.



I almost refused to write back, I was shaking with rage. But then I decided, since he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, it would be best that I at least try to explain to him why his views are so dangerous and destructive:

My responseCollapse )

I am feeling: angryangry
Music of My Soul: "Killing in the Name" by RATM
28 September 2011 @ 06:24 pm
Holy shitfuck mother of god I'm in pain. I feel like I've been stabbed through the abdomen by a rusty, blunt sword.

07 August 2011 @ 11:29 pm
I wrote an "awesome survey" four years ago, and I have answered the questions again. It is interesting to see the difference:

From today, 6 August 2001:

This Survey is SPECIAL
What religious/spiritual category would you put yourself in?Pantheism
Are you a feminist?Yes, anarcha-feminist
What kinds of prejudices do you have?Slight racism, anti-conservatism
Do you eat any meat (including fish)?Yes, no fish
If not, are you a vegan?N/A
Do you lable yourself with "isms?" (Libertarianism, Buddhism...)Libertarian socialism, anarchism, socialism, communism, feminism, etc.
Do you consider yourself an optomist, pessimist, cynic, realist, or idealist?Realist
What political party do you belong to, if any?Green or Te Mana
Are humans naturally more inclined to be peaceful, violent, or both?Both; naturally adaptive
Which affects us more: our biology, our psychology, or both?Both
If you could write one story, what would it be about?15,000 year-old vampire
What would be your dream job (if money weren't an issue)?Wildlife veterinarian
What would you do if you had several million dollars?Invest in transition towns?
If you could go back in time (any time) and change ONE thing, what would it be?Prevent the onset of severe violence
If you could change one feature about yourself physically, what would it be?Bags under my eyes
Same question, except about you as a person?Lack of motivation
What is your opinion of humanity in general?Needs massive healing
Do you believe global warming is exacerbated by humans?Yes
If you do, do you think we can undo or even reverse our affect on global warming?Only if we act now
And finally...
If you could ask every person on the planet one question, what would it be?What is your cure for global suffering?

In essence, the main differences are my spiritual beliefs, and the physical changes I would make to myself. I wonder what the answers will be in another four years' time!

From 30 July, 2007:

This Survey is SPECIAL
What religious/spiritual category would you put yourself in?Eclectic paganism
Are you a feminist?Yes, anarcha-feminist
What kinds of prejudices do you have?I'm a bit racist, and self-righteous against conservatives
Do you eat any meat (including fish)?Yes, chicken.
If not, are you a vegan? 
Do you lable yourself with "isms?" (Libertarianism, Buddhism...)As many as humanly possible. Environmentalism, anarchism, socialism, feminism, paganism...
Do you consider yourself an optomist, pessimist, cynic, realist, or idealist?Realist
What political party do you belong to, if any?Green
Are humans naturally more inclined to be peaceful, violent, or both?Both
Which affects us more: our biology, our psychology, or both?Both
If you could write one story, what would it be about?A 15,000 year-old vampire...
What would be your dream job (if money weren't an issue)?Iconic political leader who writes novels in her spare time
What would you do if you had several million dollars?Invest in charities that I find most effective, start permaculture programs in T-W countries
If you could go back in time (any time) and change ONE thing, what would it be?Prevent the onset of agriculture and sedentary life
If you could change one feature about yourself physically, what would it be?Clearer skin
Same question, except about you as a person?I'd give myself more motivation in life
What is your opinion of humanity in general?Amazing, beautiful and horrific creatures
Do you believe global warming is exacerbated by humans?Yes
If you do, do you think we can undo or even reverse our affect on global warming?Yes, but it would be very difficult
And finally...
If you could ask every person on the planet one question, what would it be?What is your cure for global suffering?

I am in outer space and:: Palmerston North, NZ
I am feeling: awakeawake
Music of My Soul: Amanda Ghost
31 May 2011 @ 08:38 pm
I wrote a review on Amazon.com about Christopher Pike's new book, Thirst No. 3: The Eternal Dawn, a 15-year-late continuation of the series, The Last Vampire.

I have viewed The Last Vampire series as my Bible since I was fourteen. I say that half-jokingly, but I truly enjoyed the books and the messages in them. Sita was amazing, almost deity-like; she was magical and powerful, and her mind clearly belonged to a creature who had watched part of human history unfold. The last book, Creatures of Forever, ended beautifully, and Sita's actions in that book were exactly what I would have expected of her. The message of that book was that despite being almost a goddess, all she wanted was to be human again and live her human life with her husband and daughter. Human life is nothing to scoff at.

I was naturally skeptical about Christopher Pike bringing her back, since everything ended so beautifully. While I would love to read more novels about Sita for the rest of my life, the truth is that she is gone. Pike should have seen that, being her creator.

But I suppose that something pushed him (perhaps the fact that the vampire genre has exploded and you can make craploads of money off of it?) to bring her back. Except not really, because this is not Sita. There is nothing, aside from her looks, that even resembles Sita. She is not nearly as powerful as in the other books, and she is selfish and truly stupid. For example, she ignores obvious connections that could save her a lot of grief, despite claiming that she doesn't believe in coincidences. It's hard to believe that I, a 27-year-old, am smarter than a 5000-year-old vampire, or even than brilliant author Pike. Her powerful intuition is 100% lacking as she continues to trust people she shouldn't without question.

In addition, Sita's enemies are stupid, and do not take advantage of the many opportunities they have to kill her. Even at the siege at the end of the book, the Telar make idiotic decisions that of course work in Sita's favour. The previous books had ruthless enemies that pulled no punches, and therefore showed Sita's incredible skill and will to live. Sita was primarily on her own, and didn't need people to show up and save her. That is the Sita I know and love, and I have to say I feel betrayed by Pike.
I am feeling: irritatedirritated
18 February 2011 @ 09:08 pm
My recent physics class involved a book written by a very preachy author. I have come to the conclusion that text books should be written by multiple authors to avoid this sort of problem. Conceptual Physics, 11th Edition, by Paul G. Hewitt is filled with his advice about non-physics related things like politics and biology, which he makes clear that he doesn't actually understand.

So, in my (not-so) spare time, I made snarky comments in the margins when something in the book really irritated me. I suppose this was one of the ways I stayed sane while cramming so much information into my brain.

Why physicists shouldn't be nutritionists.

In addition to this, he also raved about the technophilic physicist who started the "Venus Project," part of that whacko documentary, "Zeitgeist: Addendum." Yes, apparently lots 'n lots o' flashy sci-fi technology is going to save the world.

This was just a result of my accumulated frustration.

I am feeling: irritatedirritated
Music of My Soul: The Elements, by Tom Lehrer
17 October 2010 @ 07:33 pm
I had never had a general anesthetic before, and the idea scared me. However, two days later they put me under, and tied my bones together with wire.

X-ray with wire in
They literally just pulled it off a fence and stuck it in my arm.*

I woke up the next morning to find myself under the "care" of "Nurse Ratched," whom I nicknamed after the evil nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. She was completely unpredictable. She would be lovey-dovey one minute, then yell at me the next.

By the time I had been there one full day (the following morning), I wanted desperately to go home. I overheard her talking to the young man (possibly even a teenager) in the bed to my left. This was at 8 in the morning.

Nurse Ratched (waking Young Man up): "You need to take a shower."

Young Man (exhausted): "What? I'll take a shower when I get home today."

N.R. (Laughing in his face): "What makes you think you're going home today?!"

Y.M.: "They told me I could go home today. I've been here three days already! My dad's picking me up!"

N.R. (Laughing again): "You're not going home today. Now take a shower so the doctor can see you."

Y.M.: "I don't need a shower. Let me sleep."

N.R.: "Don't be a dick. Get in the shower." (She then laughed and shook her head, mumbling something about how men can be such idiots.) 

As somebody who had only been in the hospital for one day, I found the idea of being stuck there for three days completely appalling. It was an unpleasant if not frightening place to be. On top of that, this guy, practically a child, was being called names by somebody who was supposed to be looking after him. There was absolutely no need for a shower. The doctor was going to come and ask him a couple questions about how he was feeling, and tell him how his surgery went. The nurse was being a megalomaniac.

So when she got to me, I decided not to argue with her. I felt helpless enough and I didn't need a nasty nurse making me feel even crappier. I wanted to get her name so I could report her to her superiors later, but I didn't have my contact lenses in and I couldn't see a damn thing. So, with my left arm completely broken and bandaged up, and a cannula in the vein in my right arm, I took the most painful, unnecessary shower I had ever had. I couldn't move my left arm and my right arm hurt, because there was a plastic tube sticking into my vein! But Nurse Ratched had refused to remove that, too, and I wasn't about to argue with her. 

The second conversation I overheard from her was with the young woman whose bed was to the right of mine. She had been trying to communicate with a Filipina nurse all morning, telling her that she was nauseous. The nurse had responded, “I don’t understand. You’re noisy? You’re noisy?”

Finally, Nurse Ratched stepped in.

Young Woman: “Can you help me? I don’t feel well.”

Nurse Ratched: “Well you just had surgery, so you’re not going to feel well.”

Y.W.: “But isn’t there something you can give me? I fell yuck.”

N.R.: “You feel yuck. You feel yuck. What the hell does that mean? That doesn’t mean anything.” (Walks away immediately)

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had been lucky enough to understand the effects that morphine had, and had asked for an anti-emetic (anti-nausea, prevents vomiting) before the surgery. They just stick it into your IV. It’s really not that hard, and most people have that reaction to morphine!

Luckily, by the time I offered to help the young woman, another nurse had come by and given her an anti-emetic. But I was once again disgusted with Nurse Ratched.

After those horror stories were over, the doctor came by and told me he was happy with the surgery. My bone had come together nicely, and it should be able to start the healing process. I was told I could go home.

Phew. Good thing I took that shower!

...Stay tuned for Part III, the riveting conclusion!

*Note: I accidentally put the "fracture" label too low; it should be at the top of the olecranon.

I am feeling: crankycranky
Music of My Soul: Horror movie music
17 October 2010 @ 07:20 pm
I can't believe I didn't write about this before. I guess it shows how little I actually write in my LJ.

Three months ago, I was walking down the stairs from my room, when I slipped down four steps and shattered my elbow. It was Pizza Night, and I was hungry as hell. I didn't have my money, so I had to go up to my room to get it. However, as I was coming back down, I guess I wasn't paying enough attention. I knew the steps were dangerous and poorly lit, but I had navigated them somewhat successfully many times before, so I wasn't concerned (I had actually slipped down them several times, but never actually injured myself).

So as I reached the invisible mini-step, I slid down at lightening speed, and landed with all of my weight on my left elbow—which happened to have landed on the edge of a stair. The sharp stair edge broke my ulna bone clean in half, and I let out a loud, howl-like moan. Apparently, a woman, K, was walking up the stairs when it happened (I don't remember) and she saw me fall. Two other women, F and J, heard me scream and came down the stairs to try to help me up into J's room. I sat in a chair as K, F, and J tried to figure out what to do.

Besides the pain, the only other feeling I was aware of was an incredibly intense nausea, and I asked for some water. Usually when I hurt myself, the pain loses intensity pretty quickly, so I sat there waiting for it to go away. Of course, this wasn't like stubbing my toe, and the pain did not let up.

I remember that as the pain began, I thought to myself, "Oh god, I hope this ends quickly so I can make my pizza." The whole time, despite the pain I was in, I had my mind fixated on the pizza. It didn't occur to me that I had actually broken a bone.

Once the nausea subsided, J wrapped my arm in a homemade sling made from a scarf. I grabbed some super prescription-level pain killers from my room that I had gotten half a year before, and went downstairs to make my pizza. Everybody in the kitchen asked me what happened. I was probably not looking well, half delirious and completely intent on making and eating pizza. F's partner, E, offered to make my pizza for me. I decided that was a good idea, since I was still in excruciating pain. I lay down on the arm of a couch and shifted positions every few seconds, trying to keep the pain at bay. The pain killers were not kicking in...except for a very potent side effect: nausea.

I wanted to eat before the nausea got worse, so I ended up eating half my pizza before E took me to the hospital. At first, the nurse thought my arm wasn't broken, since I could fully extend it. I was relieved until after my x-ray, when the radiologist said:

"It's really bad. I think you might need surgery."

...All for some goddamned pizza.

The bone was so broken that there was like a centimeter gap between the bone. I had broken the olecranon, the elbow part of the ulna bone. My tricep muscle was pulling the top part of the olecranon away from the bottom half, and I would need tension wires put in to hold the two halves of the bone together.

I am feeling: hungryhungry
Music of My Soul: "Dry Bones"
02 October 2010 @ 12:16 am
So I have a bit of a crush on my Mammalian Biology lecturer. Not a big deal—he's a Sports Science guy, so I don't see much of a future for us. Plus, I act like a real hand-raising adolescent in the labs, so he probably thinks I'm like seventeen (not to mention, I'm very young-looking. *daintily brushes hair away from face*)

Anyway, I had an interesting time in the lecture yesterday. I'm having a bit of trouble in my chemistry class, so this guy from the class emailed me and told me we had Mammalian Biology together as well, and we should meet up in the lecture. He said he'd be sitting up front. So, for the first time EVAR, I sat in one of the front rows in my bio lecture. I walked to the front of the room, all the while looking at my lecturer, knowing full well that he'd never seen me sit so close before. He probably didn't think twice about it, but I sure was self-conscious.

I achieved a new level of self-consciousness when Dr. Mammalian Biology Lecturer Dude announced—jogging my memory from what he had said in the lab—that we would be looking at the reproductive system today. I miraculously managed not to blush when he looked at me every once in a while, as he rattled on about penii, vaginae, and uteri*.

As it turned out, the guy from chem wasn't even there, but it was all worth sitting up front for the entertainment value.

*WTF, two of those are real words? Here I was thinking I was being clever.

I am in outer space and:: New Zealand, North Shore
I am feeling: calmcalm
Music of My Soul: Why Don't We Do it In the Road? by the Beatles