The Ecofeminist Anarcho-Socialist

My experience with a cyber-bully (**Massive trigger warning: Rape, bullying, and suicide)

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:56:15 GMT

SERIOUS trigger warning!! Rape, sexual violence, and suicide

*This is a post that I transferred from my regular blog because it was too upsetting and personal*

This is truly the worst abuse I have ever had directed at me on the internet. All those “You’re a stupid, ignorant cunt” emails/comments just do not compare to what this person has said and done.

It all started when somebody on Tumblr put up a post about the politics of the sex industry. The post was basically explaining how offensive it is to say that women “sell their bodies,” which seems to suggest that all that a woman is is her body. While I disagree with some of the post, I agree that sex workers should be shown the same amount of respect as any other workers. Anyway, I saw that one person responded to the post thusly:

I assumed that she was an angry feminist, since she was telling somebody else that they didn’t have the right to call themselves a feminist. So I said, to my followers, “Who the fuck is this person, and can we kick her out of the feminist community?” Her response was unlike anything I’ve ever seen:

I then saw that one of the people I follow on Tumblr had responded to the bully as well, about a different post. The post was a truly upsetting exposé of cyber-bulling and the young people and children who have committed suicide as a result. Wolfborg, the bully, responded:

I then posted on Tumblr, apologizing to my followers for engaging with the bully in the first place, as I had thought she was an angry feminist, when really she was a Social Darwinist Nazi. She of course had yet another disgusting response…but then something weirder happened. She decided to send me a personal message.

It said something along the lines of, “I like that you want to help save the world. But you need to learn to take a joke. Why so serious?”

Let's remember where this quote is from: The Joker in Batman. A man who kills innocent people and laughs about it. Which I think is beautifully illustrative of her behaviour. This was when I realized that not only was this woman evil, she was psychotic. Or, more accurately, she had a very extreme version of multiple personalities. I wasn’t actually that surprised; she was clearly disturbed, and judging by her language from another (unrelated) post, she probably has experienced some violent sexual abuse:

I responded, trying to explain to her that suicide is not a joke. Her response:

I decided to report her to Tumblr, as a violation of their own Terms of Service. Tumblr clearly states:

“Under no circumstances will Subscriber use the Site or the Service to (b) harass, threaten, stalk or abuse any person or party, including other users of the Site.”

Their response? “We realize this content may be very upsetting, but we also highly value freedom of expression and freedom of speech.”

They refused to enforce their own Terms of Service, even after several complaints were made.

This is unacceptable. Freedom of speech isn’t freedom to incite violence. It isn’t license to bully. It is freedom to express your opinions, your philosophies, your politics. But all that freedom of speech means nowadays, to anybody, especially in the good ol’ US of A is “freedom to spew hate and abuse as much as is humanly possible.” Verbal abuse and emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. So why doesn’t it hold the same penalties?

So, now I’m going to answer your questions, dear readers, before you ask me them. I am that psychic.

Why did you engage with her in the first place?

This has already been covered. I wanted other feminists to be aware of her and keep away from her.

Why did you continue to engage with her after you realized what she really was?

This post of mine should answer that for you:

I was very upset that I got no support from the post. It wasn't until I messaged some of my followers individually and asked them for their help that I got any response whatsoever. I have now recently received help from the person who posted the bullying FAQ, so I'm very thankful for that.

Why didn’t you block her?

As should be obvious by now - because I wasn’t worried about myself. I needed to take screenshots of her comments as well. I am not at risk for suicide. There are a lot of people on the internet who are. Wolfborg enjoys attention – she has admitted this – and it is obvious that it is bad attention she craves. She especially feels exhilarated by hurting people. If she can drive somebody to commit suicide, she will.

But isn’t she just a troubled person?

Yes she is troubled. No, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be disciplined. Most bullies, abusers, even violent offenders and murderers, are troubled people. They need help. But that does not make them any less dangerous.

I have just blocked her, as I have obtained all the screenshots I needed from her blog.

So what is the point of this post?

We need to start cracking down on cyber-bullying. Tumblr, and every social networking/blogging site out there needs a strict anti-bullying policy that they adhere to. This isn't even close to the worst stuff that's out there, or the worst stuff that's allowed to be out there. People actually sometimes gang up on one person on the Internet and drive them to suicide. And this is allowed to happen, because "FREEDOM OF SPEECH AMERICA FUCK YEAH BALD EAGLES N SHIT WOOOHOOOO!!!!" I'm sick of it. This needs to stop.

I have recently learned that threatening to rape somebody is illegal in New Zealand and some other countries. If you're in New Zealand, you can report to Netsafe for help from bullying or the police for illegal behaviour. Netsafe was very supportive, but unfortunately there wasn't anything they could do about it from their end. The person who was threatened with rape would have to report it to the police in their country.

Please do not ask me questions I have already answered in this post.

Note: By discipline, I mean taking her blog down, or at least issuing a warning. Tumblr has done, and intends to do, absolutely nothing.

New Age individualism is dangerous

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:41:30 GMT

I honestly cannot believe that somebody on OKCupid said this in a message:

So my answer to your moral question is thus- I CANNOT improve the lot of people, unless they CHOOSE improvement. Teaching a man to fish, is better than giving him a fish certainly, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that the man will GO FISHING on his own. And I am not required to keep him stocked with fish if it threatens the livelihood of my loved ones or myself.

I choose to seek improvement, so it's easiest to improve myself. I do what I can to improve the lives of those who choose to be improved. For everyone else, they have their role in the universe and one day (maybe) when they're ready, in this existence or the next, they may someday choose, too. But as far as I am concerned, I let nature take care of the lives of those who choose not to improve themselves.

Let's see that again, shall we?

I let nature take care of the lives of those who choose not to improve themselves.

NATURE TAKE CARE OF

CHOOSE NOT TO IMPROVE

I almost refused to write back, I was shaking with rage. But then I decided, since he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, it would be best that I at least try to explain to him why his views are so dangerous and destructive:

Your moral views are what I see a lot of in the New Age movement. A very pure form of egoism or self-absorption. Not only do I find these views to be dangerous, but I feel that they entirely go against human nature.

This is why I think that evidence is so important, and that people shouldn't believe things that don't have evidence to back them up: There is absolutely no evidence that the only reason that some people are in a bad way is because it is their choice. There are mountains and mountains of evidence, however, that our world is royally screwed up, that powerful people and organizations are hurting entire nations of people for their own gain, and that the reason this is allowed to continue is because so many average people have no desire to help or change the system.

Human beings are, first and foremost, social creatures. The reason we evolved to have such large, capable brains is because we form complex social networks to survive, which require a strong capacity for communication (language). We are strongly empathic creatures, and there are plenty of studies to back this up, especially regarding children. We care about other humans because we need to. Not only does it help other humans when we help them, but it helps us. It is literally good for us, on a physical level, to show compassion towards other people...and other creatures. This is because it is evolutionarily advantageous.

After millennia of cultural evolution (btw, "evolution" is not synonymous with "betterment"), we have adapted a mass culture of exploitation and destruction. This is a logical adaptation to a period of scarce resources. We know that the most important part of our brain development is during the first few months of our lives. The attachment between the primary caregiver (usually the mother) and the child actually stimulates brain growth. The way that the primary caregiver acts around the child has profound effects (e.g., if she acts scared a lot of the time, the child will develop an anxious personality; if she acts detached, the child will become detached, etc.). This in turn can mean the difference between an emotionally healthy individual and a psychopath.

In times of scarce resources, everybody, including the primary caregivers, is filled with fear and putting their energy into surviving, not thriving. Food and shelter are the focus. Children are not the focus, and those children grow up with what is known as "attachment traumas." This is the most comprehensive and logical theory for how the human culture of violence and exploitation developed.

Trauma in childhood causes something called dissociation: it's complicated, but essentially it is a psychological separation from mind and body, and from yourself and others. It is a result of psychological damage. Our culture now passes this damage from one generation to the next. It effects parents, siblings, and peers. We have a culture of apathy and self-absorption. The easiest way to deal with the horrors that are being wrought upon people all over the world is to tell yourself that it is not your problem, and you don't even need to think about it. Because it is truly painful to acknowledge these horrors and even harder to acknowledge that there is actually something you can do about it.

It's similar with spirituality. It is easier to believe that something comes after death, than to believe the much more likely scenario that your consciousness is just gone. I believe the latter because I try to believe what is true, not what is convenient. I do not believe I am brave. I am absolutely terrified of dying (though I know some atheists who are not). I think about it every day. But I will not make something up just to comfort myself. I believe this is a dangerous road to take, as I explained before.

I understand this may seem very confrontational, but that is the only way I know to react when somebody tells me that they prefer to just "let nature take care of the lives of those who choose not to improve themselves." There is nothing natural about being complacent about your fellow human beings suffering due to unnatural horrors that have been wrought against them by other human beings.

Anybody want to adopt my uterus this month?

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 05:24:09 GMT

Holy shitfuck mother of god I'm in pain. I feel like I've been stabbed through the abdomen by a rusty, blunt sword.

My new answers: 4 years later

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 11:29:12 GMT

I wrote an "awesome survey" four years ago, and I have answered the questions again. It is interesting to see the difference:

From today, 6 August 2001:

*This Survey is SPECIAL*
*Personality/Lifestyle*
What religious/spiritual category would you put yourself in?	Pantheism
Are you a feminist?	Yes, anarcha-feminist
What kinds of prejudices do you have?	Slight racism, anti-conservatism
Do you eat any meat (including fish)?	Yes, no fish
If not, are you a vegan?	N/A
Do you lable yourself with "isms?" (Libertarianism, Buddhism...)	Libertarian socialism, anarchism, socialism, communism, feminism, etc.
Do you consider yourself an optomist, pessimist, cynic, realist, or idealist?	Realist
What political party do you belong to, if any?	Green or Te Mana
*Cliches*
Are humans naturally more inclined to be peaceful, violent, or both?	Both; naturally adaptive
Which affects us more: our biology, our psychology, or both?	Both
If you could write one story, what would it be about?	15,000 year-old vampire
What would be your dream job (if money weren't an issue)?	Wildlife veterinarian
What would you do if you had several million dollars?	Invest in transition towns?
If you could go back in time (any time) and change ONE thing, what would it be?	Prevent the onset of severe violence
If you could change one feature about yourself physically, what would it be?	Bags under my eyes
Same question, except about you as a person?	Lack of motivation
What is your opinion of humanity in general?	Needs massive healing
Do you believe global warming is exacerbated by humans?	Yes
If you do, do you think we can undo or even reverse our affect on global warming?	Only if we act now
*And finally...*
If you could ask every person on the planet one question, what would it be?	What is your cure for global suffering?
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

In essence, the main differences are my spiritual beliefs, and the physical changes I would make to myself. I wonder what the answers will be in another four years' time!

From 30 July, 2007:

*This Survey is SPECIAL*
*Personality/Lifestyle*
What religious/spiritual category would you put yourself in?	Eclectic paganism
Are you a feminist?	Yes, anarcha-feminist
What kinds of prejudices do you have?	I'm a bit racist, and self-righteous against conservatives
Do you eat any meat (including fish)?	Yes, chicken.
If not, are you a vegan?
Do you lable yourself with "isms?" (Libertarianism, Buddhism...)	As many as humanly possible. Environmentalism, anarchism, socialism, feminism, paganism...
Do you consider yourself an optomist, pessimist, cynic, realist, or idealist?	Realist
What political party do you belong to, if any?	Green
*Cliches*
Are humans naturally more inclined to be peaceful, violent, or both?	Both
Which affects us more: our biology, our psychology, or both?	Both
If you could write one story, what would it be about?	A 15,000 year-old vampire...
What would be your dream job (if money weren't an issue)?	Iconic political leader who writes novels in her spare time
What would you do if you had several million dollars?	Invest in charities that I find most effective, start permaculture programs in T-W countries
If you could go back in time (any time) and change ONE thing, what would it be?	Prevent the onset of agriculture and sedentary life
If you could change one feature about yourself physically, what would it be?	Clearer skin
Same question, except about you as a person?	I'd give myself more motivation in life
What is your opinion of humanity in general?	Amazing, beautiful and horrific creatures
Do you believe global warming is exacerbated by humans?	Yes
If you do, do you think we can undo or even reverse our affect on global warming?	Yes, but it would be very difficult
*And finally...*
If you could ask every person on the planet one question, what would it be?	What is your cure for global suffering?
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

My favourite book gets shat on

Tue, 31 May 2011 08:38:25 GMT

I wrote a review on Amazon.com about Christopher Pike's new book, Thirst No. 3: The Eternal Dawn, a 15-year-late continuation of the series, The Last Vampire.

I have viewed The Last Vampire series as my Bible since I was fourteen. I say that half-jokingly, but I truly enjoyed the books and the messages in them. Sita was amazing, almost deity-like; she was magical and powerful, and her mind clearly belonged to a creature who had watched part of human history unfold. The last book, Creatures of Forever, ended beautifully, and Sita's actions in that book were exactly what I would have expected of her. The message of that book was that despite being almost a goddess, all she wanted was to be human again and live her human life with her husband and daughter. Human life is nothing to scoff at.

I was naturally skeptical about Christopher Pike bringing her back, since everything ended so beautifully. While I would love to read more novels about Sita for the rest of my life, the truth is that she is gone. Pike should have seen that, being her creator.

But I suppose that something pushed him (perhaps the fact that the vampire genre has exploded and you can make craploads of money off of it?) to bring her back. Except not really, because this is not Sita. There is nothing, aside from her looks, that even resembles Sita. She is not nearly as powerful as in the other books, and she is selfish and truly stupid. For example, she ignores obvious connections that could save her a lot of grief, despite claiming that she doesn't believe in coincidences. It's hard to believe that I, a 27-year-old, am smarter than a 5000-year-old vampire, or even than brilliant author Pike. Her powerful intuition is 100% lacking as she continues to trust people she shouldn't without question.

In addition, Sita's enemies are stupid, and do not take advantage of the many opportunities they have to kill her. Even at the siege at the end of the book, the Telar make idiotic decisions that of course work in Sita's favour. The previous books had ruthless enemies that pulled no punches, and therefore showed Sita's incredible skill and will to live. Sita was primarily on her own, and didn't need people to show up and save her. That is the Sita I know and love, and I have to say I feel betrayed by Pike.

Snarky physics

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 08:08:50 GMT

My recent physics class involved a book written by a very preachy author. I have come to the conclusion that text books should be written by multiple authors to avoid this sort of problem. Conceptual Physics, 11th Edition, by Paul G. Hewitt is filled with his advice about non-physics related things like politics and biology, which he makes clear that he doesn't actually understand.

So, in my (not-so) spare time, I made snarky comments in the margins when something in the book really irritated me. I suppose this was one of the ways I stayed sane while cramming so much information into my brain.

Why physicists shouldn't be nutritionists.

In addition to this, he also raved about the technophilic physicist who started the "Venus Project," part of that whacko documentary, "Zeitgeist: Addendum." Yes, apparently lots 'n lots o' flashy sci-fi technology is going to save the world.

This was just a result of my accumulated frustration.

Faulty stairs and massive fractures: Part II

Sun, 17 Oct 2010 06:33:49 GMT

I had never had a general anesthetic before, and the idea scared me. However, two days later they put me under, and tied my bones together with wire.

They literally just pulled it off a fence and stuck it in my arm.*

I woke up the next morning to find myself under the "care" of "Nurse Ratched," whom I nicknamed after the evil nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. She was completely unpredictable. She would be lovey-dovey one minute, then yell at me the next.

By the time I had been there one full day (the following morning), I wanted desperately to go home. I overheard her talking to the young man (possibly even a teenager) in the bed to my left. This was at 8 in the morning.

Nurse Ratched (waking Young Man up): "You need to take a shower."

Young Man (exhausted): "What? I'll take a shower when I get home today."

N.R. (Laughing in his face): "What makes you think you're going home today?!"

Y.M.: "They told me I could go home today. I've been here three days already! My dad's picking me up!"

N.R. (Laughing again): "You're not going home today. Now take a shower so the doctor can see you."

Y.M.: "I don't need a shower. Let me sleep."

N.R.: "Don't be a dick. Get in the shower." (She then laughed and shook her head, mumbling something about how men can be such idiots.)

As somebody who had only been in the hospital for one day, I found the idea of being stuck there for three days completely appalling. It was an unpleasant if not frightening place to be. On top of that, this guy, practically a child, was being called names by somebody who was supposed to be looking after him. There was absolutely no need for a shower. The doctor was going to come and ask him a couple questions about how he was feeling, and tell him how his surgery went. The nurse was being a megalomaniac.

So when she got to me, I decided not to argue with her. I felt helpless enough and I didn't need a nasty nurse making me feel even crappier. I wanted to get her name so I could report her to her superiors later, but I didn't have my contact lenses in and I couldn't see a damn thing. So, with my left arm completely broken and bandaged up, and a cannula in the vein in my right arm, I took the most painful, unnecessary shower I had ever had. I couldn't move my left arm and my right arm hurt, because there was a plastic tube sticking into my vein! But Nurse Ratched had refused to remove that, too, and I wasn't about to argue with her.

The second conversation I overheard from her was with the young woman whose bed was to the right of mine. She had been trying to communicate with a Filipina nurse all morning, telling her that she was nauseous. The nurse had responded, “I don’t understand. You’re noisy? You’re noisy?”

Finally, Nurse Ratched stepped in.

Young Woman: “Can you help me? I don’t feel well.”

Nurse Ratched: “Well you just had surgery, so you’re not going to feel well.”

Y.W.: “But isn’t there something you can give me? I fell yuck.”

N.R.: “You feel yuck. You feel yuck. What the hell does that mean? That doesn’t mean anything.” (Walks away immediately)

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had been lucky enough to understand the effects that morphine had, and had asked for an anti-emetic (anti-nausea, prevents vomiting) before the surgery. They just stick it into your IV. It’s really not that hard, and most people have that reaction to morphine!

Luckily, by the time I offered to help the young woman, another nurse had come by and given her an anti-emetic. But I was once again disgusted with Nurse Ratched.

After those horror stories were over, the doctor came by and told me he was happy with the surgery. My bone had come together nicely, and it should be able to start the healing process. I was told I could go home.

Phew. Good thing I took that shower!

...Stay tuned for Part III, the riveting conclusion!

*Note: I accidentally put the "fracture" label too low; it should be at the top of the olecranon.

Faulty stairs and massive fractures: Part I

Sun, 17 Oct 2010 06:20:34 GMT

I can't believe I didn't write about this before. I guess it shows how little I actually write in my LJ.

Three months ago, I was walking down the stairs from my room, when I slipped down four steps and shattered my elbow. It was Pizza Night, and I was hungry as hell. I didn't have my money, so I had to go up to my room to get it. However, as I was coming back down, I guess I wasn't paying enough attention. I knew the steps were dangerous and poorly lit, but I had navigated them somewhat successfully many times before, so I wasn't concerned (I had actually slipped down them several times, but never actually injured myself).

So as I reached the invisible mini-step, I slid down at lightening speed, and landed with all of my weight on my left elbow—which happened to have landed on the edge of a stair. The sharp stair edge broke my ulna bone clean in half, and I let out a loud, howl-like moan. Apparently, a woman, K, was walking up the stairs when it happened (I don't remember) and she saw me fall. Two other women, F and J, heard me scream and came down the stairs to try to help me up into J's room. I sat in a chair as K, F, and J tried to figure out what to do.

Besides the pain, the only other feeling I was aware of was an incredibly intense nausea, and I asked for some water. Usually when I hurt myself, the pain loses intensity pretty quickly, so I sat there waiting for it to go away. Of course, this wasn't like stubbing my toe, and the pain did not let up.

I remember that as the pain began, I thought to myself, "Oh god, I hope this ends quickly so I can make my pizza." The whole time, despite the pain I was in, I had my mind fixated on the pizza. It didn't occur to me that I had actually broken a bone.

Once the nausea subsided, J wrapped my arm in a homemade sling made from a scarf. I grabbed some super prescription-level pain killers from my room that I had gotten half a year before, and went downstairs to make my pizza. Everybody in the kitchen asked me what happened. I was probably not looking well, half delirious and completely intent on making and eating pizza. F's partner, E, offered to make my pizza for me. I decided that was a good idea, since I was still in excruciating pain. I lay down on the arm of a couch and shifted positions every few seconds, trying to keep the pain at bay. The pain killers were not kicking in...except for a very potent side effect: nausea.

I wanted to eat before the nausea got worse, so I ended up eating half my pizza before E took me to the hospital. At first, the nurse thought my arm wasn't broken, since I could fully extend it. I was relieved until after my x-ray, when the radiologist said:

"It's really bad. I think you might need surgery."

...All for some goddamned pizza.

The bone was so broken that there was like a centimeter gap between the bone. I had broken the olecranon, the elbow part of the ulna bone. My tricep muscle was pulling the top part of the olecranon away from the bottom half, and I would need tension wires put in to hold the two halves of the bone together.

On the biology of biology

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 11:17:08 GMT

So I have a bit of a crush on my Mammalian Biology lecturer. Not a big deal—he's a Sports Science guy, so I don't see much of a future for us. Plus, I act like a real hand-raising adolescent in the labs, so he probably thinks I'm like seventeen (not to mention, I'm very young-looking. *daintily brushes hair away from face*)

Anyway, I had an interesting time in the lecture yesterday. I'm having a bit of trouble in my chemistry class, so this guy from the class emailed me and told me we had Mammalian Biology together as well, and we should meet up in the lecture. He said he'd be sitting up front. So, for the first time EVAR, I sat in one of the front rows in my bio lecture. I walked to the front of the room, all the while looking at my lecturer, knowing full well that he'd never seen me sit so close before. He probably didn't think twice about it, but I sure was self-conscious.

I achieved a new level of self-consciousness when Dr. Mammalian Biology Lecturer Dude announced—jogging my memory from what he had said in the lab—that we would be looking at the reproductive system today. I miraculously managed not to blush when he looked at me every once in a while, as he rattled on about penii, vaginae, and uteri*.

As it turned out, the guy from chem wasn't even there, but it was all worth sitting up front for the entertainment value.

*WTF, two of those are real words? Here I was thinking I was being clever.

The difference between idiots and people with common sense (Lab equipment and counter-intuition)

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 06:26:48 GMT

My adventures in pre-Vet School

When I do my readings, I foresee that going to my lectures will be redundant. When I go to my lectures, I realize that my hypothesis was correct. The material is not difficult to grasp (so far), and I am confident in my ability to comprehend all of the information.

Labs, however, are a different matter. I'm not sure what my problem is exactly, but I think once I figure it out it will be classified as a "cognitive disability." I'm not dyslexic, (hence the lack of difficulty with the readings) and have always been considered a person with a large amount of intelligence (interpret that however you wish). But one thing I have always been terrible at is taking directions.

Yes, I'm an anarchist and I always question authority. But I don't believe my political philosophy really has anything to do with the fact that when you say, "Look over there!" pointing straight ahead, I will say, "Where?" and look behind me.

When I read the lab manual, I highlight all of the key information, but that's about as far as my understanding goes. The instructions for how to use equipment are so tediously detailed that I think I might just be unable to concentrate (warning: soporific shit ahead):

"Take the broth culture in your left hand. Bring it to your right hand (which is still holding the loop with its thumb, index and middle fingers). Use the fourth and fifth fingers of your right hand to remove the cap or plug from the culture bottle. This can be done by using these fingers to hold the cap or plug against the palm of your right hand, and using your left hand to rotate and pull away the bottle. Alternatively…"

snzzzzzz…What? Oh, right. So, did you get it? Cause I sure-as-an-agar-petri-dish-grows-devil-spawn-that-burrow-into-your-brain didn't. Maybe it's my inability to visualize. Maybe it's my complete lack of interest in whether or not I'm supposed to to "flame the loop" after every single frakkin' time I breathe. Regardless, it was at least a bit easier to understand when our lab supervisor showed us what to do…except backwards.

See, she's left-handed. So I asked her, "if we're right-handed, do we reverse everything?" A second student asked the same question. The answer was yes, but not without the snide comments from other students about how it's "common sense," and why would anybody ask that question, you obviously just use whichever hand feels right.

Let me tell you a little about common sense. After reading and learning (in mind-numbingly intricate detail) about all of the right things to do with lab equipment and all of the things that could possibly damage it, and how easy it is to fuck everything up, you damn well ask as many questions as you can before trying a procedure yourself! That's common sense!

…Sooo anyway, then we had to use autopipettes to dilute the mixture of…what's that? You don't care? Well, the autopipettes are the important part. Those buggers are like $300 a pop (or maybe it's $50, I can't remember), but they are remarkably fragile with no built-in mechanism for protecting the machinery from the liquid that they measure. Cause, you know, autopipettes measure liquid. But…they can be destroyed by liquid. Do I really need to explain that "common sense" thing to the autopipette manufacturers?

I had read all of the exhilarating instructions on how to use an autopipette. They measure liquid in micro-liters. So, if you want 1 milliliter, you have to set the autopipette to 1000. Being all caught up in conversion and protecting the machinery from the evil that is liquid, I didn't really think about the fact that that particular autopipette only went from 1 to 200 micro-liters. It didn't reach 1000. But I could set the measurement at 1000, so I didn't really concern myself.

The lab instructor had to come and stop me, telling me that I was actually only measuring 0.1 milliliters, instead of 1. It took several minutes before I finally got it out of her that the meter was saying "100.0" not "1000." There was no actual decimal point; it was yet again another one of those "common-sense" things that all scientists intuitively know, because their psychic overlord tells them.

So I said, "well, that's really misleading." My lab instructor disagreed, and the snide students near me looked like they thought I was the stupidest thing since sliced bread*. She must have thought I said, "that must be a mistake," because she repeated herself. I wasn't actually insisting that it was really measuring 1000 µl when it could only go up to 200µl. I was saying that it didn't need to be so misleading. But those who heard me seemed to think I was stupid nonetheless.

The lab instructor suggested, "You need to read the section of the manual on autopipettes." To which I cleverly retorted, "Yeah, I've already read the manual, okay?!" The students around me were probably all making their "what's her deal?" faces, but I was too busy wallowing in my intense hatred for humanity to notice. The lab instructor seemed surprised and perhaps a little bit hurt, but I was too angry to apologise, and I wanted the other students to know that I was fed up with their "what-a-dumbass" looks.

Ah, kids. Their faces are so expressive. Especially when they want you to know that they think you're, like, omg, totally stewpid.

So, I'm really looking forward to my lab next week….

*You know, because sliced bread doesn't have a brain

Shards

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 09:18:29 GMT

Mirror.
You're a good liar. I am a fool
Cause I want to believe what I see in the
Mirror.
Different days, different people, yet
All me.

Fragmented.
I see myself in pieces.
My pieces see myself.
More breakable than the glass before me
It holds steady while I tremble
It stays whole while I fall apart.
Who am I today, beauty or the beast?

Perhaps you've seen me walking down the street
A vision, a goddess
Grace in every step
You want to meet me

Perhaps you've seen me walking down the street
A pitiful girl
Insecure, hunched over
Exhausted
You want to forget me

I guess I'll know one day
What the mirror really sees
What you really see
When I walk down the street
Picking up the pieces as I go.

Vanity Rears its Ugly Head

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 11:57:39 GMT

I haven't posted many pictures of myself, so I figured I might post a lot. I was bored, had a camera, and voilá.

I hope you know I place all of my blame on my wonderful boyfriend. He makes me feel pretty :p

If you don't appreciate my vanity, go away. This is my journal. I can do what I want. Nyanny-nyanny-poo-poo.

When you see this, run away.

And in case you were wondering what I looked like in colour. Horrible, low-quality colour.

The Popularity Curse

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 11:32:34 GMT

Some people have the strange belief that popular music is somehow inherently inferior to music that is not popular. I know people who automatically dislike a song simply because it has been played on the radio. I've heard words like "meaningless," "superficial," and "not relevant to the real world."

A little anecdote: Brooke Fraser, popular singer and songwriter, traveled to Rwanda. There she met an orphaned girl named Albertine, whose life had been saved by the very guide who was showing Fraser around the country. The guide asked her to write a song about Albertine.

Most of you probably are aware that the assumption that popular music is automatically meaningless is ridiculous. I will clarify why, but not in my own words.

I am sitting still
I think of Angelique
Her mother's voice over me
And the bullets in the wall where it fell silent
And on a thousandth hill, I think of Albertine
There in her eyes what I don't see with my own

[CHORUS]
Rwanda
Now that I have seen, I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a plane across a distant sea
But I carry you in me
And the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet

[BRIGDE]
I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been
I will keep my word
I will tell them Albertine

I am on a stage, a thousand eyes on me
I will tell them, Albertine
I will tell them, Albertine
—Brook Fraser, "Albertine"

Every day I fight a war against a mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
—Pink, "Hazard to Myself"

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
—Christina Aguilera, "I'm OK"

I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
—Jewel, "Hands"

We will fight, not out of spite
But someone must stand up for what's right
For where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
—Jewel, "Hands"

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some
—Sarah McLachlan, "World on Fire"

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead, release your fears
Stand up and be counted, don't be ashamed to cry
—Des'ree, "You Gotta Be"

We got loud guitars and big suspicions,
Great big guns and small ambitions,
And we still argue over who is God
—Sheryl Crow, "Hard to Make a Stand"

The time has come to say fair's fair
To pay the rent, to pay our share
The time has come, a fact's a fact
It belongs to them. Let's give it back
—Midnight Oil, "Beds are Burning"

So don't rain on my parade
Life's too short to waste one day
I'm gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
It sure looks good to me
—Alicia Keys, "Sure Looks Good to Me"

Then there are those who say that hip-hop is pointless and all about bitches and hoes. I haven't listened to hip-hop in a while, but let me give you a couple examples from the early 90s:

My only bleeding hope is for the folk who can't cope
With such an enduring pain that it keeps em in the pouring rain
Who's to blame for tootin' 'caine into your own vein?
What a shame you shoot and aim for someone else's brain
You claim the insane
And name this day and time, for falling prey to crime
I say this system's got you victimed to your own mind
—TLC, "Waterfalls"

They say I got to learn, but nobody's here to teach me
If they can't understand it, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't, I guess they won't
I guess they front. That's why I know my life is out of luck, fool
—Coolio, "Gangsta's Paradise"

"Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones..."

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 10:22:46 GMT

...and words can always hurt me.

Please read the post below this one for the explanation about this post (I felt some people might find it a bit daunting if I put it all together).

Miriam: actually, you ARE whiny and childish, and you do NOT have any more rights to be here than others... you are restricting yourself if you DECIDE to leave just because someone offends you.

Just A Pseudonym: You're kidding, right?
If you disallow someone to do pretty much anything on the Internet, THAT is taking away freedom.
But nobody allows someone to be mistreated more than the supposed "victim" themselves. There is no real harm to it, so any trouble they have with it is what they have personally allowed.

Me: Wonderful, caring people. Perhaps you are unaware of the psychological damage that verbal/written abuse can cause. Learn a little about sociology, anthropology, and the fact that above all else, humans are social beings. Language is our foundation, and it affects us as profoundly as anything else. It can be used to begin movements, start revolutions, and strike fear into people.

Glenn: Personally, I say you go girl!!!
The only way to hone your opinion is to air it and gain thoughts and feedback that provide unexplored insights and perspectives. I don't see you as whiny and childish, I see you as an explorer of your inner mind traveling by bungee cord. Look after the cord and don't let it snap.
Miriam, Great input, even if a little harshly put.

Tanya: I do think there has to be some limits. Following from our discussion on my opinion, if someone is using the internet only as a means to harass others, they should be removed. In the case of iThink, because they are misusing the application not to protect the 'victim'.
Personally, I havent seen any examples where someone has been seriously harassed. Have you? Conflict is healthy, insults and all.

Nikolaiy: You are whiny and childish. Just deal with it.

Me: As long as a society blames the "tattle-tales," they are giving assholes the freedom to do as they please. And inevitably, they are therefore taking freedom away from good people who wish to have access to the same resources anyone else does (i.e. internet). I find it amazing that people will jump at the chance to attack a sensitive person, but allow a cruel person to get away unscathed.

Me: Please compare your "whiny and childish" remark to my comments, and then determine which one of us seems more mature.

Miriam: assholes like you have the freedom to do as they please, too. you should be happy about it.

Hella: We have the freedom to do as we please, that includes being nasty to you and your ilk. If you don't like it then deal with it in whatever way you see fit, nobody is going to stop you. Nobody is forcing you to leave anywhere, you decide that yourself.

Sri Lalitha: agree with Miriam

Materese: i think the exchange of opinions so far proves your point if it needs be proving...personally, i like to take the abusers by their horns and see how they take their own medicines when i shove them down their throat.....as somone once said " never under estimate the predictability of stupid

Miriam: which point has been proven? because as i see it, no one's freedom has been taken away so far... on the contrary, everyone has the freedom to state what they think, including sandy and you. so, again: which point has been proven?

Glenn: Here's a different take...Sandy probably isn't going to leave, she's been here far longer that a lot of us. It's a great comment that has gained a lot of input and will probably make it to a great number of votes. Everyone gets abuse, those with the strongest insights get the most abuse. Perhaps it is just a carefully sculpted iThought.

Me: Cheers, Glenn.
Holy crap! 15 comments in half an hour! I should write more opinions that inadvertently piss people off.
I'm not going to leave my own opinion just because someone attacked me personally for defending those who are mistreated. I have gotten a fair bit of abuse at some opinions, which I did have to leave.

Ben: You can't be serious....
You know what you are saying Sandy?
"The stuff I find offensive is an absolute value and should be prescribed across everyone's personal freedom of speech. You are taking away my freedom by insulting me, so to remedy this .. what am I going to do? TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM"
The hypocrisy is inordinate.
"mistreat" "insult".. these are all subjective terms. You're just a hypocrite to state what your personal view on these things should be relevant to us all.
I've had death threats against me - people saying I should be locked up, executed, all sorts of hateful things - and you know what I've done??? Laughed, insulted them, and moved on.
DEAL WITH IT.

Me: Especially on iThink, verbal abuse is not conducive to a debate; in fact, it usually destroys it. It makes both parties too emotional to argue rationally. Ben - I'm a hypocrite to state a personal view...and I'm taking away your freedom by keeping you from stating things. Got it.

"Don't Be a Tattle-Tale!"

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 10:15:20 GMT

That's what we tell our precious children. For, it is more important to us that they grow a tough skin than that we become aware of who is being bullying and abusive. And if you can catch a bully at a young age, you are much more likely to prevent them from becoming worse and worse.

But the wounds go deeper. This isn't just about children in school. Many siblings may remember their older siblings being cruel and sadistic towards them, then telling them not to "tattle," so their parents never know what's wrong. What's worse, some parents punish the younger sibling if they do "tattle," instead of the older one for being a brat.

Yet even deeper. Truly abusive children and adults alike use this logic because it permeates our society, and any child can be forced to obey it. I am very close to many people who were abused and told not to "tell." One was molested by their twelve-year-old babysitter, then told not to be a tattle tale. Another by their teacher. Yet another was sexually abused by their grandparents. But it's a secret. "Our little secret."

This is a culture of silence. Silence infests our ghettos and Third World countries; silence imprisons the weak and the helpless; silence saturates every crevice, every corner of our society. If you are attacked on a street in broad daylight, chances are nobody will come to your aid. We are the innocent bystanders. Feeling sick yet? If you're not, perhaps you're not paying attention.

As a child, I was ridiculed in school. I was treated like shit from age 6 to 13. I had several physical threats during that time. Yet I was never hit or attacked. Why? Because my mother taught me to tell. "If someone is hurting you, either your feelings or your body, tell someone." I was trained that if one adult wouldn't listen, to keep telling until somebody did. This helped perpetuate the ridicule to an extent, but really it was my insecure attitude more than anything else. And nobody touched me.

Language can be used for control through fear, inspiration, anger, and pain. You can hurt somebody with words, even if you're not looking at them. You can do it through the internet. Most people, however, believe that if you are hurt by somebody's written verbal abuse, you should DEAL WITH IT. I put that in capitals, because that's how they've said it to me. I'm not talking about someone saying, "you're an asshole." That's just silly. I'm talking about persistent, cruel, sadistic attacks.

I belong to an opinion network (application on Facebook), and was getting really tired of the opinions I saw about how "If you report abuse you suck cock" and you should "Stop being whiny and childish." I was told time and again that it was my CHOICE to be insulted or hurt by cruel people. All of the responsibility is put on the person being mistreated. This was not new for me. I decided to post an opinion of my own:

"When you allow someone to mistreat people on the internet, you are taking away those people's freedom."

The comment follow-up for the opinion is as follows:

Don't call me "whiny" and "childish;" I should have more of a right to be here than people who are cruel. And if you tell me to "just deal with it," I'll probably have to leave, which restricts ME as opposed to the asshole responsible.

Please read the post above for the lovely responses I gained within half an hour.

English Lessons for Academics Part II

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:24:44 GMT

A Short Exercise: Translate the following passage into layman's terms:

Because a project’s originator is volatile when confronted with skepticism, independent critical analyses are essential to retain equilibrium within a consensus prerequisite. Thus, the ontological utility of the proponent’s innovative design is inversely related to its epistemic discourse.

Though the counterargument to the latter is essential to dictate, disquiet has been revealed about the frequency of the unsubstantiated generalizations about the legitimacy of a proposed adaptive framework, regardless of whether or not its analysis is apropos of quantitative measurement.

In conclusion, a specialised process has been operationalised to assemble linkages between proposals of participatory representative categories, and indicators that operate within an epistemological framework.

Can't figure it out? The answer is

It's complete nonsense.

English Lessons for Academics

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:56:37 GMT

Still think academia isn't elist?

A Step-By-Step Analysis of Academese, for the Layperson

Despite the automatic assumption to the contrary, academics cannot write worth shit. It’s true. When it comes to writing, brevity (or at least lucidity) is the soul of wit. These creatures don’t understand the concept of comprehension. Apparently, academics are a rare breed that, unlike the rest of the human race, is exempt from the social requirement of being able to communicate with their fellow human being.

I say this, having the utmost respect for my professors, some of whom write the most obscure journal articles known to man.

(Fact: More than 90% of university professors consider their work to be above average. Statistically speaking, this is impossible.)

Example

Here is my favourite example. You can’t help but feel sorry for them, really. Poor things didn’t pay attention in grammar school.

“Instead, we argue that the pragmatic utility of an idea is more important than the epistemic authority of its proponent.” (Carr and Wilkinson, 2005)

Linguistic critique: First of all, this sentence is painfully passive. So let’s change the beginning to:

“…an idea’s pragmatic utility...”

Doesn’t make any sense still, right? That’s cause we’re not done. The words “pragmatic” and “utility” have common-use synonyms that even laypeople will understand. This is how you translate academese:

Pragmatic=practical
Utility=use/usefulness

Now for the second part, “…the epistemic authority of its proponent.” We could make that part less passive, too, by saying, “its proponent’s epistemic authority,” but we don’t wish to use the word “proponent” at all, since it’s primarily endemic—er, exclusive—to the world of academia. The synonyms for “proponent” (supporter, advocate) in this instance don’t necessarily specify what the authors mean. So instead, let’s change it to “the person who promotes that idea.” Concise? No. Comprehensible? Yes.

As for “epistemic authority,” how about, oh I dunno…“qualifications?” Concise? Yes. Comprehensible? Yes.

So, in conclusion, the sentence is this: “Instead, we argue that an idea’s practical use is more important than the qualifications of the person who promotes that idea.”

Wow, suddenly you can understand it!

And now, for your reading pleasure:

This paper has argued that the legitimacy of agri-environmental programmes needs to be re-conceptualised as an effect of specific assemblages of governing. Rather than a response by governments to epochal crises, legitimacy problems are a constitutive feature of the ‘failure’ of governing to achieve its desired effects. Such failure is by no means negative, in the sense of regulation being void of order or durability, but is productive in problematising the legitimate boundaries and limits of public and private intervention, and in creating new spaces and objects of governing. From this perspective, the rise to political prominence of seemingly contradictory agri-environmental initiatives—standards schemes and direct forms of government regulation—represents part of broader efforts to make existing neoliberal practices of governing workable. Such initiatives are more than simply a means for authorities to provide legitimacy for their actions while doing little in reality to address environmental problems. —Lockie and Higgins, 2007

(In bold: either academic jargon, or other complex terms that can be simplified.)

Sources
Lockie, S. and Higgins, V. (2007). Roll-out Neoliberalism and Hybrid Practices of Regulation in Australian Agri-environmental Governance, Society and Natural Resources, 23, pp. 1-11
Carr, A. and Wilkinson, R. (2005). Beyond Participation: Boundary Organizations as a New Space for Farmers and Scientists to Interact. Journal of Rural Studies, 18, pp. 255-265

Cool, Daddy-o

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 03:46:57 GMT

The Existentialist Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know we don't know.

-Donald Rumsfeld, during a Pentagon press briefing.

Who knew we had a beatnik in our administration? (I tip my beret to you)

Sex is Great.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 12:47:26 GMT

"What did I tell you about sharing? It rewards the weak!"

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 02:01:33 GMT

Oh my god, I love Stephen Colbert! Most of you know about my hatred of Ayn Rand. Watch this, it's classic.

"Fountainheaded"

"I am Howard Roark!" lol

For those of you who don't know, Howard Roark is the "protagonist" (if you want to call him that) of Rand's book, The Fountainhead, described (too kindly) as an "uncompromising individualist."

Written by someone on a pro-Ayn Rand forum, about the video clip:

"It was not presented in a flattering manner. It was, in fact, sheer mockery of Objectivism.

But I must say, except for on one minor point, he did not mis-represent the philosophy that I can recall. He even stated clearly that it was a philosophy of "rational self-interest", he didn't use any "poison" words (e.g., calling it a philosophy of "selfishness" -- meaning that in the typical negative sense --, as he might have done)."

Just In Case You're Bored Like Me

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 12:04:46 GMT

So stop asking that stupid question, okay?

This Too Shall Pass....

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 11:56:31 GMT

Hmm....I've been feeling rather sick lately. Having insomnia, even more trouble eating than usual, feeling weak (obviously as a result) and dizzy. Just overall anxious. Bleh.

The silliest things can get my heart-rate going. Just reading people's political opinions that I don't agree with, especially if they're laced with contempt or sarcasm, makes me have to do some calming exercises.

I hope this doesn't last long. I have a field trip I have to go on in a few weeks, that I'm anxious about already. I need to be able to function once the semester starts. Hell, I need to be able to function so I can go to work every day. I don't want to give the overall impression that I'm "sickly" or "in a bad mood" all the time.

But, no worries, as they say here. I'm sure "this too shall pass" quite soon. It generally does.

Time for Beatles cheering-up.

Mother of Exiles

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:16:08 GMT

This is a sonnet (not written by Shakespeare) that really speaks to me. It was written in 1883, by a woman named Emma Lazarus. It is about my motherland, a country that has claimed for a while to be a safe haven for the downtrodden, and a country that continues to create more downtrodden, and turn them away.

My country both nurtured and abused me, taught me and betrayed me. So it is with a confused mixture of sadness and hope that I post this poem:

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

—As was written on the Statue of Liberty, and the plaque remains there today.

Ramble On....(Losing My Freakish-ness and Other Tragedies)

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 13:09:22 GMT

I am such a freak. Since I was thirteen years old, I though that was cool. I was proud to be different, because there were always other people who were equally different (not in the same way, of course), so I didn't feel alone.

I went to a high school that was so diverse that anyone could find their own clique. Hell, I bet there was a loner clique. Then I went to Antioch College, a clothing-optional campus, where in the summer I could wear my bikini top and short-shorts to class and no one would look at me twice. In my home town of Berkeley, I would wear my black-and-red striped stockings with my miniskirt, or get all elegantly Gothed up and no one would judge me for it.

I'm used to having my own sense of style, and being outspoken. I'm used to thinking that if someone doesn't like what I think or the way I dress, then they don't deserve to know me in the first place. But that was all until I moved here.

Suddenly, I'm walking around with my shoulders tensed up, concerned about what people think about me. I'm wearing boring clothes that I don't feel good or interesting in. In classes, I don't talk, because I fear that in the middle of my sentence, I'll get all flustered or just forget what I was going to say altogether. For the first time, I'm worried that not enough people will share my views on the gender binary, or the socio-economic system, or race, or loving your body (fat-positive issues, etc.).

During my first job, at an electronics store, I had a couple bosses who were sexist. I had an intelligent conversation with one of them, and he said he wasn't used to talking to such a smart woman. I laughed, and decided that smashing a desk chair on his head would put me at a financial disadvantage. He was also Maori, and loved to make jokes about how Maori were criminals. I understand the whole self-deprecating humour thing, cause Jews do it, too. But it got old after a while.

Then I worked at a video store, where my boss and another coworker made comments about how you couldn't trust Indians (the Asian kind), because they were manipulative with money or something. Sounded a bit like the stereotype for Jews. And another coworker told me very sincerely about how the Maori used to eat Europeans when they ran out of pigs. I found that especially interesting, since pigs didn't exist in New Zealand until Europeans brought them here.

The whole time, these people would state the disclaimer, "I'm not racist, but...." Hahahahaha! Love it. If you honestly feel the need to say that, just don't bother. You're being a hypocrite already. If I was going to say something about Indians being dishonest or something, I'd say, "I know I'm a bit racist, but this is what I've noticed," or something like that. And seriously, if I'm a bit racist, then the people mentioned above must be oozing racism!

I suppose that's the price I pay for being sheltered from the more bigoted aspects of society my whole life. At the video store I mentioned, there was also a guy there who went on about how he would see gay men making out on K Road (red light district in Auckland). He said it like it was the most disgusting thing in the world. I said, "what's wrong with that?" thinking it might just be a Public Display of Affection issue. Some people just can't handle PDAs that well. He said, "Gays can do whatever they want in their own home, but I don't want to see that shit. It's not natural."

I asked him if it would bother him to see two women making out, and he said no. I pointed out the double standard, and suggested that perhaps his aversion to gays had to do with the possibility that their presence threatened his masculinity. Of course, I wasn't trying to convince him of anything by that point; I was merely amusing myself by seeing how he would react to that hypothesis.

Yeah, I'm not too tolerant of intolerance. Luckily, my violence has only taken the form of fantasies so far. If you could read my mind, you'd probably think I was a bloodthirsty, self-righteous lunatic. If you had a conversation with me, the latter would be confirmed =)

The Great Divide

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:46:59 GMT

This is where I stand.
On the edge of a canyon whose mouth seems to stretch out for eternity.
There is no going back.
There is nothing but a barren wasteland behind me.
—Me

I don't know where I stand. I'm beginning to wonder what I stand for. Maybe I should just sit down already.

I'm tired. I'm tired of monotony, and tired of being afraid. Afraid of taking risks, of putting myself out there, even of speaking my mind. My voice has gotten more and more silent this past year. But fear is debilitating; it exhausts me as much as repetitive boredom. Everyone says take risks. It's so easy to see that that's my only real choice in life, lest I amount to nothing.

Easy to see it, yes, but not easy to do something about it.

This feeling of an abyss in front of me began when I graduated college. I thought, "Shit. Now I have to make decisions that will affect me for the rest of my life. I have to be in the real world, find a job that I enjoy, and am qualified for" (which is about as easy as fitting a grapefruit into a gerbil's mouth. Yes, I made that up just now).

I no longer look forward to the future. I dwell on happy memories, and fantasies. That's it. The idea of planning my future makes me almost nauseous. I know I'm gonna have to wake up and do something about it eventually.

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide.
Voices trapped in yearning,
Memories trapped in time.
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?....

Into this night I wander
Its morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread.
Into this sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride....

Yeah, I know, I'm leaving out the last line. But that line reeks of passion and self-determination.

Cause nothing stands between us here
And I won’t be denied.
—Sarah McLachlan